Spain, but not really Spain.

As I collect my thoughts and my heart, I can’t look back and remember where this all started. It was a slow and gradual process that has led me to where I am now. However, If I am truly honest with myself I really know where it started. It started when I said “Yes” to my husband.

No, I am not married. But does not the WORD say “For your maker is your husband- the LORD Almighty is His name” and so my dear friends this is what I am saying. It all started when I said yes to my husband…. And when I said yes to Him, I said no to me. That’s where things got a little complicated and tricky.

I would really like tell you that after saying yes to Him all of life was fine and dandy, that saying yes to the LORD made everything wunderbar!  However let’s make a slight distinction here:

Saying yes to the LORD was the easy part. When I spoke those words, it actually was the best feeling of peace and comfort I have ever experienced. I knew it was what my heart was really saying and that I meant it. Saying no to me, however sincerely I had spoken yes to Him, was the part I did not realize would be so difficult. It didn’t hit me until after I had spoken my yes, that the simple and logical conclusion of saying yes to Him meant a no to me. I had not thought about what that might mean, I just knew that when I agreed with the LORD, it was what my heart really yearned for- to be united in direction with Him. I soon realized the lesson we must all learn and relearn is that there is only one throne on our hearts and we…. I…… had to step off and make Him my King in ALL areas of my life. And this area was a whopper I tell you! It was the big one. It was the place that I had the tightest grip on and had held most dearly to my heart.

Since then the path that I have taken has been a barren one. I have dealt with anxiousness, heartache, tears, thirst, doubt, wrestling with myself, wrestling with Him, apathy, heart hardness, the depths of my brokenness, the ache to be made whole, the feeling of loneliness, loss of appetite/ joy/ feeling, confusion, despair…  an utter desert storm. I was stripped of everything and like Job I was struggling to find meaning and foundation in desolation.

It has been a long road, one in which I am not quite out of yet. However there are two things that I do know now in the midst of where I currently am.

One is that I am truly my Husband's and He is mine. We are bound by His commitment to me. During this season I have kept my heart away at times and I have come to find that my heart aches when I am not with Him. I am so connected that any good thing is only because I am near Him. He is attached to me and He will not let me go. And I find that my heart cry is to be close to Him….. At the cost of any pain and suffering that I face- None is greater than not being with Him. He calls to me in the silence and my heart yearns for Him.   

Two is that my heart is truly alive and beating when I praise Him in any circumstance. He does not change in my circumstance, so my response to Him should not change, despite my circumstances. He is still the same, always, He has not changed. He is still good. He is still faithful. He is still my portion and song. My surroundings do not change how Beautiful He is. My circumstances do not change how Wonderful He is. You could stick a beautiful woman in a rancid room surrounded by ugly smells, trash, loud horrible noises and it will not make her any less beautiful. On contrary it will make her that much more wonderful to look at.

He is much more clearly beautiful in my desert storm.